these vagabond shoes

this is what it’s like to live in montana!

the red helicopter is an ominous part of regular life in montana. people go backpacking and get lost or hurt, search and rescue is sent, air ambulances are sent. this isn’t illinois where you’re a few miles from a town. you could easily be twenty miles from a road then another hour to help.

the last day of our first aid training involved assisting a helicopter landing and a scenario of loading a patient on board, and it made this season hugely real to me.

my job is to keep my members safe, and if that fails, i’m calling in this helicopter and hoping the first aid skills surface under stress. i’m hoping our altitude isn’t too high for air-vac, and i’m hoping there’s a clearing for landing, and i’m hoping i have a good radio.
what makes this job so incredible can also be what makes it so scary.

i’m relieved at the end of first aid and a 55 hour week, and it’s warm here today. bright sun and open windows. in a few hours, the rest of the leaders will come over for drinks and music on the front stoop.

at the end of the class yesterday, we were helping our instructor load up a trailer full of mannequins and fake hearts and splints, and we see the red helicopter take off and head for the bridgers, and we all hold our breath and watch.

part of my plan to get as fit as humanly possible before the members get here is cutting out weekday drinking, but today, i am breaking all the rules. 13 hours in the basement of a comfort inn starting wilderness advanced first aid, and goddamn i could not deny myself that shower beer.

one thing i really love about this job is that it makes me the tough, resilient version of myself i had always dreamed of being, but on the flip side of that, i’m given a lot of room to be human, which i really cashed in on today.

anything involving the vulnerability of the human body is something i am totally weak and squeamish over. once i saw my brother get a shot, and i woke up sweating with a nurse standing over me. another time my mom got a fish hook stuck in her leg, and once again, i woke up on the ground wondering how i got there. i wasn’t allowed to visit dannie in the hospital when he had open heart surgery because the nurses got tired of taking care of me every time they changed his bandage. in high school, when we dissected frogs, i did a worksheet instead.

so today being all about pretending to take care of our crew members who were fake passed out with soup in their mouths to simulate vomiting, and we had to watch a video of people dying in a car crash, and then we had to dissect pig heart and lungs, i was a fucking wreck.

i gave myself a long pep talk about how dissections are an honest thing, and if i can eat bacon, i can cut up a pig heart and stop being a goddamn twink. it worked for a while until i got too brave and picked up a piece of lung and remembered that time george had a pet pig, and on my way to the bathroom to try not to faint, one of my crew members told me about the time in middle school he got sad about animals being used in class, and he had to leave, and then i cried. i CRIED. this awful, laughing, cold, clammy sweating cry.

this is day 1 of 5, but i am hoping and thinking this was the hurdle, and it will improve, and this will turn into another thing i’ve faced, but in the meantime, someone was always around to hold my hand or give me a hug, and it’s hard to be too upset or scared with support like that around every time.

also, fuck it, i’m gonna drink some weekday shower beers.

we had a pork themed potluck, so i made an apple goat cheese pie with a bacon lattice crust, and it was pretty fucking amazing, you guys. my apartment hosted, and it furthered my sense of home here. we’ve got art and furniture and other people’s sweaters, coffee brewing and candles burning. home.

also, last night a local friend threw an 80s party which i dressed three people for with cut-up white trash t-shirts i own and unironically wear regularly. sometimes it’s alarming how much theme parties make me realize about myself.

today we got our co-leaders, which is kinda like being blind-folded, led outside and all of a sudden you’re married to someone, and in may you’re gonna have five kids together. they really did blindfold us too.

i’m genuinely pleased and excited about the gentle, adventurous partner i’ve found myself with, though, and eager to start this co-leading, a skill i need since i’ve kinda forgotten how to be much of anything but alone in my decision making.

the staff left us all alone in the office, so we decided to do a hike in the snow. one steep pitch was covered in ice, so we had to set up a rope to get down it. my co-leader stayed behind me, let me rest my foot against his to stabilize myself, and together we slowly worked our way down to solid ground.

the day’s surprises didn’t end there— our tool locker holds four chainsaws instead of the usual one, meaning we are in fact leading a chainsaw crew this summer. we’ve got both the stihl 352s, and holy shit, we are really doing this.

my two new favorite things are baking pies and country swing dancing.

there’s a boy from arkansas who’s the best dancer in our group, and he always calls me a country momma for waking up early to bake pies and practice spins in the kitchen.

it’s nice to have this sense of the things i love to do, feel in my bones, inclinations towards.

“ Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you’d be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become.

—

Astronaut Chris Hadfield’s answer to the question “Any advice to a young person who wants to get into this field?”, from his spectacular reddit IAmA (via apoplecticskeptic)

Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become.

(via awayy)

home.

i’m not new here anymore, but a lot of the people in this photo are. two of them slept on our floor for a week. we fed them breakfast and took them to bars, hikes on saturday mornings, rides to work. it’s my turn to give back the love and generosity that was shown to me when i was new in this town— feeling so young and lonely, but swooped up by happy, adventure-loving people.

my house has a spiral staircase and feels like a pirate ship. last weekend i baked a pie from scratch for the first time, padded around in my kitchen in my barefeet, getting flour and shortening over everything. i took the pies to a potluck where a girl got down on one-knee and changed the song “jolene” to “jeanine.”

none of this feels temporary anymore. it’s not just me doing a program. i think i am going to buy myself some furniture.

best life there is.

(via kick-it-in-the-sticks)