“Celebration … is self-restraint, is attentiveness, is questioning, is meditating, is awaiting, is the step over into the more wakeful glimpse of the wonder — the wonder that a world is worlding around us at all, that there are beings rather than nothing, that things are and we ourselves are in their midst, that we ourselves are and yet barely know who we are, and barely know that we do not know this.”—
“She talked to him straight and McClintic kept cool. While she told him about who she was, about Stencil and Fausto—even a homesick travelogue of Malta—there came to McClintic something it was time he got around to seeing: that the only way clear of the cool/crazy flipflop was obviously slow, frustrating and hard work. Love with your mouth shut, help without breaking your ass or publicizing it: keep cool, but care.”—
this morning i woke up feeling strange and anxious, nervous. as if the wrong words were going to make me throw up. i am proving myself more intuitive all the time.
it is may, and i can hardly believe it. my friend katie and i made up a chant “two weeks, half week, finals, done” which has dwindled to “half week, finals, done.” i made a mix cd called “fucking may up,” and i whispered my thanks to this day at the park, surrounded by people, dogs, kids on bikes.
my aunt gail texted me to tell me—remind, probably— to enjoy, enjoy, these last few days. she’s right, but it’s weird to think about appreciating this last batch of papers and tests. i skipped almost all of last week, and i bet i regret that someday.
i am working hard on the be. here. right. now of being here right now. this is such a tumultuous and big time. i am going to be done with college, which is more than just the past 4 years, but really the past 21 years of my main occupation as student. i should take my time, let this exist and be, soak up and understand the stress, the deadlines, the work, the process. it sucks, but it’s it.
so many things are changing on me, and i guess it would do me some good to invest in the certainty of the present.