this month has been crazy. i mean, really crazy. i will not act for a second that i am sad to see it go and glad to see march instead.
when i lived in monmouth, i made a good-thing-a-day-calendar. every day i would write down at least one good, exciting, funny or nice thing that happened. it is not a record of the things i disliked about that semester because i didn’t need that written down. now i have a whole page of jokes, gestures and events that were great. i remember having fun and loving my dorm mates. i remember stealing a vitamin water sign, and i remember being drunk before noon that one time in my life. i remember cupcakes and inside jokes. i remember feeling loved and giving love back.
on saturday, i bought a calendar for one dollar, and i am again training myself to be inclined towards the positive.
on february first, we were anticipating a snow day. i rode around with my brother in the falling snow and bought frozen pizza. we offered rides to any and every one we could. february second, i had a snow day, just like my parents before me in 1978. february fifth, my big brother bought me a shot of jack daniel’s that i sipped. the sixth was the super bowl. i honestly don’t remember the seventh, and i think that’s fitting. on february eleventh, i was surrounded with good friends who would not let me forget how much love is in my life. on the seventeenth, i got a new tattoo. on the nineteenth, i drank bourbon with my grandpa. and on the twenty-third, one of my co-workers thought i was cuddling with a book lolita, not my rabbit. today, the last day of the month, i drank toddy and made new friends and icp jokes then watched the oc.
this is what i will remember. i will not hold onto sadness, confusion or anger. i will not remember fighting. i will not remember my brother getting in trouble or my mother’s hurt. i will not remember failed attempts. i will not remember losing sleep.
this has become an opportunity, ultimately. for so long i have been thinking, over and over, you do the same things, you get the same results. this is the best chance i’ve had to start doing things differently. to see new results.
i am finding that my happiness is not buried within someone else that i need to find and excavate. my happiness is entirely within myself. it is entirely contained inside me, for me. i can provide my own light, friendship, comfort and fun. it’s good to have friends, and i love them dearly, but i love that i can love myself. that i can be my own friend, too. i don’t need every person’s acceptance because i can still make myself happy.