i spend the day grateful for the step dad i have, and the relationship we have developed. i swim around in the pool with trent’s parents and feel good about that.
but i always, always, always miss the dad i knew when i was a kid. we used to go fishing, and we used to watch baseball, and now we can’t talk on the phone for more than 5 minutes, and he has a lot of trouble pronouncing my name.
when i was in high school my father’s alcoholism was something i was grasping by the edges. when it’s all you’ve ever known, how do you know that it’s wrong? right? and then, all of a sudden i’m a traveling, grown person who encounters other adults who don’t burn the bottoms off pans because they passed out with the broiler on, and what the fuck is going on with my dad?
people meet him, and i try and write it off- he had a bad day, sure it’s early, but his schedule is different than everyone else’s. my brother’s driving. stop with the looks already. but it is there; it will never go away.
my father is an alcoholic, and what that means for me is that some nights he loves me, misses me, and wants to talk about how good things can be. and that other times he hates me for being so much like my damn mother and for cheating him and making him this way and forcing him to live this life simply by being born. when i was 14, he told me i needed a lobotomy because my brain would work better scrambled. last week he wanted to get dinner.
father’s day is one of the only days this is a big deal. because, honestly, i gave up on changing him or intervention or him wanting to quit drinking and, most importantly, surviving it, long ago.
that sounds cold, but i had to. i had to choose my own life and growth instead, and i did and sometimes look back but keep moving forward. but today i have to think about it. today it’s all around me. he doesn’t like his gift, but i know not to return it because he will warm up to it eventually.
he didn’t raise me, but his choices did. that is father’s day for me. we will both forget that this day has brevity. we will both go back to our own daily routines. he will be my father, and i will be his daughter, and we will have nothing to do with each other. i ignore his calls, and he gets me soy sauce for my birthday.
you guys since summer started my brain is going a million miles per hours.
1. i am 200 pages away from finishing gravity’s rainbow !!!!!!!! this is a big deal, ugly multiple exclamation points BIG F’N DEAL. it’s just a feat, ya know? i don’t get all of it, but i am moving through all of it. it’s a big, tough book.
2. today i -OFFICIALLY- tackled granny squares, and understand them, and realized i used the wrong color yarn for all the work i had done. i’m making a baby blanket for my boss, and just used the wrong stuff. no biggie.
3. this morning i woke up pretty early and spent the whole time reading articles about feminism and rape-culture and the homogenization of female sexuality. it is the kind of thing i want to write about everyday. it makes me want to change my life. it makes me want to change everyone’s life. it made me stop reading cosmo. it makes me leery to get into new television shows. it makes me skeptical of pop music and music videos. it has shaped the person i am now vs. the girl i was in high school. this deserves more of my time, but i need to crochet and put mr. pynchon on the shelf first.
4. the deep horizon oil spill has been on my mind every single day since april 20th. it bothers me because now many people i know care, but enough to change their facebook status. not enough to ride their bike instead. it seems that most people think BP is the evil culprit, not our own oil-dependency. not that i think BP is a saint in this situation; definitely negligent, but because of a demand we encourage and still contribute to. we still drive. riding your bike or walking is the only TRUE way to boycott BP because if you still use oil, you’re just using exxon instead. and, uh, hint, these guys all play for the same team.
5. spending time with my parents has been a really good choice lately. in my times of need, i need to remember them.
SEE GUYS? too many interests for one brain, for one girl who works 6 days a week. just wanted to get it all out on tumblr. gonna go pick one to work at for a while.