i absorb every bit of things, and get so intensely involved that it takes over my whole brain and body, my fingers and toes are just the edges of whatever moment is going on around me. like, when i’m late to my first class at a big school on my first day as a transer student, and when i’m stranded places because i can’t figure out the bus, or i’m late to work everyday, and i have to work everyday, and i miss my friends, and miss my boyfriend, and forgot to shower, forgot to eat, need to do laundry, and holy shit it’s only been a few days of this. this can make for very bad weeks, weeks where it feels like the whole world’s against me, but it isn’t. i just need to remember to change my mind. today it’s friday, and i’ll get better at this semester, but i know it’s going to be 15 weeks of walking too fast, forgetting to put mascara on the other eye, and being more worn out than is entirely necessary.
last night we threw our first house party, and it was a dream come true. there was plenty to drink and happy people, ample laughter in a sticky summer night, girls in pretty dresses, and boys all huddled in their circles of conversation. the night was set to camera flashes and smiles and sweaty hands on sweaty hands. the police were called, and it was handled perfectly. i drank too much, but haven’t done that in a long while. it left the whole house buzzing, feeling good, admiring our new cans for recycling, the new booze everyone left, and planning bigger parties for the future. loved it, perfect ending to this summer.
which, it is an ending; school starts tomorrow. school. fuckin’ taking over my life, textbooks, papers, late nights of frustration and early mornings i’m not ready for. i have to start taking the bus because i live off campus and don’t even wanna think about parking that fucking car on the university of illinois campus on the first day of class. nuh uh. i’m nervous as hell about messing up the bus because i bet i do. i bet i do. so instead of morning coffee i think i’m packing a thermos of mimosa. and by thinking i mean definitely planning on it. better take advantage of not driving. dlkfglkdfmgd, school is sitting in the bottom of my stomach like lead right now. gross.
oh, but tuesday’s my birthday, and trent and i both don’t work! which is tremendously exciting. i love my birthday. so at least there is that.
for about the first time this summer i opened up a word document to start writing and decided to go running instead. everything about this summer is keep moving, keep moving. you’re stronger now. look at you go. i’m thriving in it. maybe later. for now, running.
last year i made a life goals list, and on it were typical things like get drunk on wine with laura (accomplished), get a small tattoo i can laugh at when i’m old (we’re still working on it), and live in a tiny apartment by myself in the city. in the past year, some of those goals have become more important, more i want, mostly the ones about companionship and being less afraid, but i have stopped wanting to live alone. my family’s always been spread out, lots of steps and halfs, and we’re selfish from it. none of us are sure where we belong, and it never made us closer, which is something that saddens me now that i’ve grown up and moved out; however, it has also broadened my appreciation of the life that i live right now. it makes me love running upstairs with someone to talk to, the way laura’s room and my room are just one space, sitting on each other’s beds, talking for a second, leaving to do our own thing, sharing pets, sharing jewelry, sharing pizza. i thrive on that sense of community, of feeling connected to certain people in this world, yet remaining my own, jeanine, different than them but still tied. it’s one of my the best feelings i’ve discovered in dorm life and now, here, with my new home.